On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so explain again why im purple
no
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
