i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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