The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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