I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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