The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
