I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
