Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
