I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
