You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
