Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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