Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
