Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
