Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I touched a dick in church today
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
