wakey wakey hands off snakey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
