Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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