Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
