I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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