i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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