the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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