I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
