two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
