his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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