suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
