i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
