i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
