The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
