Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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