Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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