I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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