My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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