My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
