You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
