he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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