So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
