i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
