I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
