you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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