is your mom at the bar?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
