Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
this hospital has no fireball
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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