upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
