I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
