My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
