I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
