My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
