My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
