I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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