my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
