since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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