Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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