Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
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