Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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