I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
