they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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