her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
