I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
